I lost 2lbs this week. That’s half a stone in two weeks. I should be delighted, and believe me I am! But I’ve spent the week terrified that I won’t lose weight, before doing a spontaneous dance around the bathroom when the scales said I’d lose 2lbs.
If dieting and I were in a relationship on Facebook, it’d be “It’s complicated”. Dieting is like a bad boyfriend – when things are good they’re very good. When things are bad he’s secretly cheating with friends and not calling you back after dates.
I’ve been doing SW on and off for four years, which is a very long time, but I’m not yet comfortable. I have spent the week scared that I’m gaining or that I’m not going to lose weight, scared of not feeling good enough, scared of wanting something so badly but not thinking I’m going to get it.
I mean, it’s not always like this. Sometimes feel totally in control of life, happy, pleased with myself, proud of what I’m doing. But even when I feel great, the bad bits punch through.
Sometimes, the pain of what you’re missing out on hurts. I went to Maltby St market yesterday. SO much good food. Kind people on Twitter were recommending brownies and toasties, but I couldn’t have any because of the diet. I felt proud of myself for not eating things, then sad that I felt proud of myself. What kind of life is that?
Plus, I’m embarrassed to talk about dieting. Someone asked why I wasn’t partaking in work cake on Friday, and I froze. Every time anyone mentions these diaries, I get all cringey and embarrassed. I talk about dieting freely online, but it’s like I forget that people I meet in my physical life can see the videos. Everyone has been absolutely supportive, but it feels weird saying I’m dieting. Why?
Is it because I think dieting makes me a failure? But I’ve lost almost three stone, that’s like the opposite of failing. Is it that I think people won’t notice I’m fat? The evidence is right there in front of them!
There are lots of lows, clearly. But so many highs, too. I love the feeling of fitting into smaller trousers or smaller dresses, like the size 12s dresses I fitted into on Saturday or the size 14 jeans I wore last week. I love seeing something I’m putting so much effort into work, as evidenced by the spontaneous dancing when I weighed in. And long term, I know that it’ll be worth it because being a smaller, healthier size is something I want. But it’s not an easy ride and there are so many mixed feelings about it.